Onions!
by barrel7
Summary: Sonic has defeated a water monster and now he's out to bend the fundamentals of chemistry to his will. Ah, poor Mendelev is turning in his grave right about now.


This story is short and…strange. I had the idea for it when I was half asleep so, yeah. It's funny (I think) or just plain weird (more probable), but oh well. Here's to random stories that pop up when you're trying to sleep off a day of essay writing.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic the Hedgehog characters

Onions!

Sonic the Hedgehog was walking down the street. Walking. Walking! Why the heck was he walking when he could be running? It wasn't like there was anyone else around.

"Gurgle."

Oh yeah, there was that.

Sonic spun around. Standing behind him was a blue creature thingy, roughly humanoid with glowing yellow eyes and a visible brain. The most disturbing thing about it however was-

"WATER MONSTER!" Sonic screamed, causing the blue creature thingy to put its hands (claws?) to its nonexistent ears at the loud noise. This gave Sonic the opportunity to rush to the street corner and wrench a mail box from the cement. Under normal conditions this feat would have been impossible, but this situation was anything but normal.

"DIE!" Sonic proceeded to use his improvised weapon of postal authority to smash the poor blue thingy into the ground. He did so again and again until the mail box was a dented mound and the blue thingy was a puddle. Finally satisfied, Sonic set his bludgeon down and collapsed. Breathing heavy, he threw up his hands in a triumphant victory sign.

It wouldn't last. The puddle gurgled and Sonic watched in horror as the blue thingy's head started to reform, completely unharmed although its brain looked a little lumpier. Sonic was about to try the mail box thing again when he noticed that the slot had broken open and seven Chaos Emeralds had fallen out.

"Now we're cooking with gas," he said, picking up the gems and letting them circle him until his fur took on a golden hue, his eyes reddened and an aura of energy enveloped him.

"HAVE AT THEE DEMON!" With insurmountable power at his command and invincibility coursing through his veins, Sonic chose the best tactic he could think of.

He started stomping on the blue thingy like there was no tomorrow.

It was rather reminiscent of someone flattening an extremely hairy spider that had just crawled out of the drain. By the end of it the heat of friction from Sonic's constant jumping caused the blue thingy to evaporate, brain and all. It was probably happier getting away from the crazy blue thingy that _it _had encountered.

"At last it is vanquished! Now I will destroy every last drop of water on the face of the planet! Mwahahahahah!"

His crazed laughter was cut short as someone tugged at his elbow. He looked down to see Tails who had somehow appeared from nowhere.

"You can't do that Sonic," he said, finger raised as if he was giving a lecture, "Water is a necessary part of organic life. If you get rid of it you'll doom us all. Bye."

And with that he went back to the nowhere from which he had come, leaving a much less enthusiastic Sonic behind.

"Well…if I can't destroy water, then I'll replace it. This time with something less evil." His brow furrowed in thought, trying to think of an appropriate substance. It was just then that a little blue chao with its characteristic onion shaped head wandered by.

"YOU!"

"Chao?"

"YOU WILL BE THE REASON FOR LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!"

"Chao?"

"PREPARE TO BEND SPACE, TIME, AND THE FABRIC OF REALITY!"

"CHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO,"

* * *

"-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?"

Sonic's head hit the desk as his arm slipped from under him, giving him a rude awakening. He shot up with a start and stared at his now blue tinged fur. He blinked several times, and then sighed in relief. It was just a dream. He nestled his head into his arms and tried to reclaim the nap he'd been working on.

"Ahem."

Sonic looked up, and noticed for the first time that he was in a classroom. He looked about frantically, suddenly surrounded by faceless people staring at him with the suggestion of eyes.

"Ahem."

His gaze went to the front of the room, where an imposing (though equally faceless) figure stood.

"Is there anything you'd like to share Mr. the Hedgehog?"

"Um…no?"

"Good. Then would you mind answering the question."

The teacher stood aside and pointed to the sentence written out on the blackboard. Sonic squinted as he read the odd question, puzzlement evident on his face.

"What is the common term for chemical formula CH2AO?"

"Yes. Do you know the answer?"

"Um."

"Hurry now, before the purple fuzz devours us."

"I, uh-,"

Everything turned purple and Sonic woke up screaming.

* * *

"Waahh! I didn't study! Oof!"

Sonic fell off the couch in a tangle of arms, legs, and purple blanket. With a great deal of twisting and squirming he made sense of himself and tossed the blanket aside.

He looked around. Everything seemed normal. He was in Tails' living room, where he remembered crashing the night before. Everything seemed to make sense but Sonic pinched himself just to make sure.

"Ouch." Yep, he was awake. He plopped back on the couch with a sigh of relief. That would teach him not to eat cold chili dogs before going to bed.

He yawned and was wiping the sand from his eyes when he heard the door open.

"Hey Sonic! You up yet!"

Sonic winced at the little fox's volume. If he hadn't been up, he would be now.

"Yeah, Tails I'm up. Would you mind-,"

The complaint died in his mouth as Tails walked in with his hands covered in disgusting mutated growths. They had a familiar shape.

"Aaaaaah!" Sonic screamed before sprinting out the still open door.

Tails just stared after him in confusion, but then shrugged. It was Sonic after all. He closed the door before putting down the bag he'd been holding. It was filled with a certain shaped vegetable.

"Jeez, I thought he liked onions in his chili."


End file.
